Let's face it, the golden days of strong-arm robbery are over. With concealed carry laws, stun guns, pepper spray, and self defense systems that actually work; today's mugger faces far more dangers than any time in the history of our great country. Gone are the glory days of flashing a switchblade and getting instant compliance from a would-be victim. Our streets are overrun with the filthy, degenerate scum that won't think twice about pulling out a taser and making you ride the lightning.
We've all had it happen one time or another. You walk up to a chick and pull the ski mask down only to have her turn and get into what looks disturbingly like a proper defensive fighting posture. At the very least, she is going to attempt like a million groin strikes and while you are busy protecting your boys she's throat punching you with her keys. Yeah, its tough times for the unaffiliated street thug these days.
Well, forget all that, cause I'm going to tell you how to stay safe on the streets when you are attacking someone. I know it sounds too good to be true (still have a "Brinks" key lodged somewhere in my sternum to remind me every day of what these savages are capable of) but after years of hard-fought battles, I feel its time to share my wisdom.
Attire:
Okay guys. They are going to try and kick you in the balls. Repeatedly. If you aren't wearing a cup, you deserve that hot golden shower coming from your would-be victim as they laugh at you coughing in the fetal position. Buy a cup!
Dont: Look Like This:
You have to realize that these people have been shooting a picture of you every single time they go to the range. Their self defense instructor has told them what you look like, which angle you'll likely come from, and (if they went to one that was worth a damn) how to fuck your world up so fast you'd swear you were on the receiving end of pitching machine full of trailer hitches; and the hooded, dressed in all black goblin is exactly what they have always envisioned.
Do: Dress reasonably and with a theme that isn't likely to be threatening, such as this:
No one would ever expect the emasculated emo male to be a sociopathic, knife wielding marauder. You can still dress in black to avoid detection, and are virtually invisible to most police officers, being only known as "oh, one of those." It makes getting close to the mark that much easier. (Warning: do not take off your seedy trenchcoat until the moment before the mugging, as you may, yourself, be mugged for being such an obvious target.)
Targets:
Don't: Attack Young Women
Okay guys, this one should be a no brainer by now, but just to reiterate: Young, attractive women make shitty targets. They are many times more likely to have a taser, stun gun, 20lbs purse, and training that specifically aims at destroying your chowder chucker than the average man. If they are attractive (or worse, think they are but really just wish they were) more and more women are turning toward Krav Maga, Muay Thai, MMA, and Brazilian Jiu Jitsu for self defense over the traditional "hope he's seen a Cynthia Rothrock movie and is intimidated by my kata" pseudo-self defense from the 80's.
Again, you think you got a good mark. Some of you lower strong armers might be feeling a bit lonely, and you grab her. To your surprise, she's totally into it! She wraps her legs around you, and pulls you down. Score! She even pulls her knees high up your body. Just as you think you are about to smell the roses and have forgotten about all that muggy-rapey stuff from earlier and you pull your ski mask up for a passionate kiss from the girl of your dreams, she shifts to a side, tosses a leg over your face, and your elbow explodes with the a sound that can only be described as a tree branch being broken in a room made of steaks as she armbars the living fuck out of you. Since you are now a whimpering mass on the ground, she decides try some other submissions as well. Welcome to Stephen Hawking's world.
Do:Attack men
Sure it sounds suicidal since men are more likely to conceal a firearm, but an 20-something hottie walking to her car at night in a darkened parking lot will be a thousand times more alert than a 20-something dude talking about the kick-ass sale they are having at the Farmer's Market on his iPhone 4 (complete with duct tape) while walking alone from a closing coffee shop to his Prius.
3. Location
Again, this one should be a no brainer, but things are bit trickier than one would think. I'm not talking about parking lots and home invasions. Those are tried and true attack locations that any thug worth his salt should be well aware of, wise-ass Aryan Murderkinder notwithstanding.
Don't: Ignore Local Weapons Laws That May Work In Your FavorNo, I'm talking about states, countries and regions that you should just not fuck with unless you want to make some paranoid gun-nut's wet dream a reality. Most states have concealed carry laws, and boy do those suck. Luckily that means if you've never been caught, you can pack some heat to scare the straights. If you got busted though and some busty minx you thought was an easy mark turned out to be a muay thai female regional champion that showed you some "elbow lovin" and turned you in, you may be in some major shit if you had a gun on you.
Do:
Enter Illinois. Ahh Illinois, I love you so. Not only is it illegal to conceal or open carry a handgun in this state in many urban areas, its not even okay to do so within 50 feet of a rural road! Chicago has some of the strictest weapons laws in the country, yet boasts a significantly higher murder rate than both New York and Los Angeles. Also, a person must have a permit to have a stun gun or a taser; and they would have a 24 hour wait to get one of those under current state law. So, repeat offenders: if you hit someone after closing time on a Saturday, you probably have at least until Tuesday at 10 Am to be lightning free (I'm looking at you deranged stalkers *wink wink*).
Methods:
Don't: Assume your mark will be intimidated.
You walk up behind someone who just withdrew money from an ATM. "Jew fro. Easy target." you think. The gun you have comes out, and you press it to the back of his skull. "Give me all your money!" you say. The guy breathes deep and exhales slowly. "Good" you think, "he's startled". With your other hand you reach into his back pocket. Suddenly, he whips around while pushing your gun away. Steel toed boots crash into your junk at roughly the same time your wrist screams in agony as he torques it; taking your gun. You barely have time to cringe before your nose explodes from a hammerfist and he is backing up, your own gun leveled at your stupid, leaking head.
Do: Learn from the police.
You remember that time you got caught dousing that mime in a gallon of stolen Taco Bell grease and were pissed cause your matches wouldn't light, and the cops showed up to ruin your fun? Remember what they did? They pointed weapons at you from a distance. They traveled in a group, and had you put what they wanted you to put down, down. They then had you move away from it while keeping their guns trained on you. Funny how that worked, even with an armed assailant; isn't it? Learn from thy enemy.
Protection.
Don't: Dress Tough
You lie face down in a mud puddle with cigarette butts swirling around in the mixture of blood and vomit that erupted from you when you got nailed with a nut-shot/ liver-punch/ middle-of-face stun gun combo from the 60 year old Lithuanian librarian you were about to engage in surprise "cuddling" with from behind. You push yourself up and crawl to the alleyway, pissed off that your bad-ass hat and Raider's jacket didn't protect you AT ALL!
Do: Wear Protection!
You advance on him, but he isn't worried. He knows Kung Fu, enough to crack your ludicrously shaped head right under than ski mask he thinks. Sternum Punch! His knuckles hurt from your chest protector. No worries on his face, he backs up, and goes for an eye gouge; only to hit your dark plastic shades. "Damn." he thinks. A grin splits his stupid, smug mouth as he flys through the air, his toes pointed at your face. Nothing. He kicks your shin, your ribs, and smashes a flying axe kick to your collarbone while making the Bruce Lee O face. Finally in desperation, he field goals your balls as hard as he possibly can. "Fuck!" he yells as he limps away, his ankle sprained on your hard, unrelenting cup. He has one last resort. He pulls his stun gun and nails you in the neck. Too bad for him you are wearing a rubber wetsuit.
Now he backs up, cowering before you. You shrug off your trenchcoat and pull off your ski mask to reveal:
YOUR ARMOR!
